Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Killing Kittens


I have some friends who can't help but hit the forward button to everyone in their e-mail address book everytime they get the cutesy e-mails of fluffy kittens or "A Prayer for You."

I finally drafted this e-mail and hit "Reply All" to their most recent posts - sending the word to just about 100 strangers.

Dear Group E-mail sender,

  • Regarding E-hugs, I prefer them in person with people I know and not a group-hug shared with the cold and electronic addresses in your Cc line.
  • The E-Prayer, E-Angel or E-Jesus that you send eventually ends up in my E-Trash. I then get the option to "Delete Jesus Forever? [Yes] [No]" Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. Why would you do that to Jesus?
  • When forwarding pictures of adorable puppies and kittens please do not forget to include the recipes.
  • Let me spoil it for you. That promise of a "really cool thing" that happens to your screen after you forward an e-mail to ten people? -- you're disappointed,
    3 people get pissed off,
    3 people deleted it without reading it,
    2 people have your address blocked from sending them e-mails,
    1 address is undeliverable, and
    1 idiot forwards it to 10 more people. Cool, huh?
  • I have automatic withholding from every paycheck, with a final rendering no later than April 15th each year and do not need to be reminded to "support our troops."
  • You said if you don't get that [e-mail wish] back from me you'll "know I'm not your friend." So why do you keep sending them? I thought I was being clear.
  • If you're worried about God being removed from politics and schools, do not fear. Have faith that she is where she pleases.
  • The stories of serendipity and random acts of kindness taste great, but are less filling than a quasi-cash deposit to my pay-pal account. ( It's so easy, Sign up for a PayPal account at www.paypal.com Click the Send Money tab, Enter an amount, and the recipient's address )
  • I can pretty much guarantee you that by fate, luck, chance, kismet, destiny, happenstance, coincidence, predestination, faith or a willing god, faerie, spirit, sprite, God or Goddess that something good, bad or indifferent will happen to you whether or not you forward this e-mail to the number of people of your choice.

Chuck Walker

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

The nerve of some people. I like that. Were you being kind or unkind?

Anonymous said...

Who the hell are you????????? You go to my blocked sender file.

Anonymous said...

Hello Chuck,
I dont know you and really dont know why I am answering your mass mailing except that when I read it I thought...he is in the wrong profession. You should have been a comedian! BTW: You don't have to pass this on! :)

Lifecomp said...

Chuck,

Your blog is to the point and your barb sharp! Good work. David from the 4:55 train to Downtown Duffields.