Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Defending the Sanctity of Marriage.

First of all, can we just start with a track record of the sanctity of marriage?

Renee Zellweger - Kenny Chesney, 4 Months
Britney Spears - Jason Alexander, 55 Hours
Drew Barrymore - Jeremy Thomas, less than 3 Weeks
Drew Barrymore Tom Green, less than 1 Year
Lisa Marie Presley - Danny Keough, 6 Years
Lisa Marie Presley - Michael Jackson, 19 Months Lisa Marie Presley, Nicolas Cage, 107 Days
Zsa Zsa Gabor - Filipe de Alba, 1 Day
Micky Rooney married 8 times.

Now that same-sex marriages have been around for a couple years, I am hoping that the large number of idiots, who live in fear that the sanctity of marriage would be somehow threatened, can rest assured that the instution remains unblemished. Well, at least there aren't any new, unique bruises to the reputation of marriage. Like a tarnished silver tea service, however shiny underneath, black is black.

Less than seven months after Massachusetts began same-sex marriages, same-sex divorces began in Suffolk County, Mass.

The first couple to be married in Cambridge, Marcia Hams, 57, and Susan Shepherd are now facing an impending divorce just two years later.

A lesbian couple in Ontario, who separated after five days of marriage, faced problems getting what could have been Canada's first same-sex divorce because the law could be read to limit divorce to male-female couples.

So what's the problem? Why is there constantly a bill or proposal or some legal action before state and federal courts and panels that is designed to prevent, outlaw or annul same-sex marriages?

What logical argument can be made against these marriages?
Please, if you need a moment, I'll wait.

. . . .

Yeh, there's no real argument.

Religion? - By whose religion are we creating law?

Tradition? - Tradition is made, and is mutable. Tradition made women 2nd class and allowed the husbands to beat them. Helotry (look it up) was a tradition that reaches much further back than traditional marriage. Even today's 'traditional' marriage is only a few decades old because it was changed to recognize interracial couples.

You're not comfortable with it? - Fine, don't do it. Thongs on morbidly obese people give me the willies, but I'm not going to fight to prevent their right to wear them.

It's unnatural? - Please take some time to observe the sexual habits of bison, gazelles, antelope, sage grouse, Guinean cocks-of-the-rock, silver gulls, black headed gulls, Japanese macaques and bonobo chimpanzees. (Just as a starter.)

Marriage is for procreation? - Although it has been proven that unmarried individuals can produce offspring (and often do), someone tell the barren, sterile, infirm and geriatric they are forbidden to marry. Annul all pre-existing non-procreative marriages after a certain deadline, as well as those that continue to remain married after the last child has popped out.

It's not healthy for children? - Again, Oh, please. How can it be unhealthy for a child to be reared in the environment of a loving, committed relationship? If your answer is any of the above objections, then please reread them. If it's because of the absence of a father or mother figure, then please organize the release of children from all single parents.

Where do you stand on this? Have you given thought about why?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tea with the Hedge Sisters, Chapter 1

"I have biscuits too . . . or, . . . " Magnolia cried over her shoulder as she laid out the tea time spread.

"I don't want any biscuits, Maggie."
Declared Hydrangea, already enthroned in the exact center of the sofa with her perfect skirts, the latest fashion, of course, spread expertly from pillow to pillow, providing the most aesthetically pleasing display.

Catching Magnolia's pause, Hydrangea became uncommonly interested with the silverware, "My, these are nice, Maggie. Are they new?"
Hoping to divert Magnolia from reciting a list of alternate items in the pantry available for tea.

"Why?" Stared Magnolia "Don't you like my biscuits?"
She asked, with just the hint of a tremble in the voice, before moving to the sideboard for napkins.

"Just hush and take a biscuit Hyde." Bougainvillea whispered harshly through gritted teeth as she passed Hydrangea with the tea tray. "If you think Mag's biscuits are awful, try spending the rest of the afternoon listening to her go on about how you insulted her cooking."

Bougainvillea punctuated with her patented 'hush-up-and-keep-the-peace' look, which was met and acidly destroyed by Hydrangea's own patented triple combination high-octave-'hmph,'-overly-exaggerated-eye-roll-and-invisible-lint-pick.

Rounding out the foursome in what can only be deemed an unmannerly 'holler' from the next room, "Bou, there's no beer in the icebox!"

"Ivy, this is tea time."
Replied Bougainvillea patiently.

Ivy popped her head through the doorway, "I'm not here for tea. I'm here to visit my deeear sisters. But if it'll make you happy," popping back out "just pour the beer in a tea cup and I'll drink with my pinky extended."

"Now there's something wrong with my tea?" Magnolia breathed, turning her disappointment from Hydrangea and the biscuits to Ivy and the clinks and thumps of items being shuffled in her search.

"Your tea is fine, I'm sure. It's just not beer." Said Ivy blithely as Magnolia joined her in the kitchen.

"Or coffee."
Uttered Bougainvillea to the air.

"Barbarian. I'll never fully believe that Ivy comes from the same bloodline as we do. " Hydrangea said, leaning into her sister. "Haven't you noticed the resemblance between Ivy and the milkman?"

"Well, she does tan awfully nicely." Began Bougainvillea thoughtfully. "Do you think that mother . . ."

"Not that milkman. I suppose you would have been to young to remember Mr. MacGregor."

"Careful Hyde, that statement shows your age."
Glared a triumphant beer-wielding Ivy from the doorway.

"So does direct sunlight." Added Magnolia, the eldest sister, nudging Ivy toward her usual place by the window as she passed and replaced Ivy's teacup with a glass. Pausing once to be sure everything was out, "Now," Magnolia seated herself with a 'whump,' "Would someone at least try the biscuits?!"
and began to pour.

"I love your biscuits, dear!"
Bougainvillea affirmed by reaching for the tongs and passing the heavy, flour and lard stones to the others with a stern 'you'll-eat-it-and-you'll-gush-loudly-about-how-scrumptious-they-are' look.

"But they clash with my outfit!"
Sputtered Hydrangea, desperate to avoid more dental work.

"What doesn't?"
Said Ivy, who dressed in men's clothes and clashed with pretty much everyone.
"Ivy, you hold your tongue." Hydrangea began,
"I'll have you know that this is an orig-- . . ."

"What a grand idea!" interrupted Bougainvillea forcefully. "Why don't we all hold our tongues?"

So, as it inevitably happened every Saturday, the foursome sat quietly and stared at nothing in particular, especially not at each other and certainly not at the biscuits, sipping their tea -- and beer.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Kernal Knowledge

My friend, Cookie, would ask "What's the number one rule of show business?"
And I'd say "Sleep with the casting director?" knowing full well that Cookie's answer is "Know your product."
I do so love the tests that tell you all about yourself if you answer just a few questions. I take those personality/sanity tests all the time. (Mostly due to a court order, but that doesn't detract from the pleasure.)
My friends could've told you this without me taking the test. Which alcoholic drink am I? The test totally pegs me as beer.
You Are Beer!

You don't need to get totally wasted when you hit the bars. More of a social drinker, you just like to have fun with your friends. And as long as the beer keeps flowing, you're a happy camper. But don't mix things up: "Beer Before Liquor, Never Been Sicker!"
Wow, that is SO true. My friends, my TRUE friends, fear repurcussions if they've invited me over and I find they have no beer. "What!? No beeeeeer?" (Picture the guy in Oliver. "You want mmmMMMMOOOOORE?!")
It's the same way in the morning with / without coffee.
One morning at a sleepover I awoke and stumbled through the house and into the kitchen, following the sweet gurgling sounds of the coffeemaker. [gurgle......gurgle.....sput....gurgle] "Ahh, yes I can almost taste it," I'm thinking as I pass two friends in the kitchen. They know better than to approach me at this point in the day. Don't make eye contact, don't smile, don't approach. But, THIS morning, the two (innocent?) bystanders were in a precarious catch-22. There was a SERIOUS bit of information that MUST be conveyed to the sleepy-eyed monster fumbling with a coffee cup before he reached the gurgling brew. [gurgle....gurgle] "I'm coming my preciousssssss." Cup in hand, I step forward and reach for the pitcher. [gurgle....ominous music....gurgle....minor chord....slow motion....guurrrrrgle.]
Cookie makes a life-altering decision and in dramatic slo-mo jumps in front of the proverbial bullet "CHUUUUCK ! IT'SSSS DE-CAAAFFFF !" Then crumples to the floor, fearing the worst.
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog. You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful. And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.

To pass the time with self-discovery I'll take pretty much any test and try very hard to answer the questions honestly, without trying to sway the outcomes. But some of the tests are pretty much geared toward the traditional if-you-answer-this-way-you-must-be-this-gender. I took one test (Which X-Man are You?) that asked which of the X-Men were sexier. I chose Wolverine so the test chose for me a female character. Grrrr. I don't want to be Storm! I could NEVER carry off those outfits. Even though this test says...

You Are 36% Lady
You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

So no matter the absurdity of the test, I welcome the questions that provide a kernal of insight. Too often we the people act out of emotions rather than thinking a situation through and giving a real and practical response. I mean, what rational practical person votes republican? Meaning, most people vote for a political party rather than a qualified individual. "Oh, HE'S republican? Then I'll vote for him." Disregarding he's spent 12 years in prison for whatever. "Oh, SHE'S Catholic? Then I HAVE to vote for her." Disregarding that the only reason she's Catholic is because her family dragged her to that church on Christmas and Easter and she doesn't know any different. It's not like either one of these examples of people have knowledge or values.

Saying all that prompts me to say this: Be inquisitive as to your nature and make decisions based on thought. Be sure to truly appreciate your friends who tell it like it is. They will argue, disagree, fight and bicker. They will piss you off, be extremely obnoxious and take you to your very wits end. But keep that weekly date for dinner, hooch and cards. Those are some of the most insightful and valuable times you'll ever have.

Get to know yourself - visit this site www.blogthings.com/quizzes/